November 2024 | Mile Nerd

Partly Cloudy

Man, some weirdos stick like glue to the stuff they like.

(Some weirdos = me)

Did I drive the identical little Toyota for 20 years? Yup.
Am I now over a dozen journeys to Maui within the books? Higher consider it.  
Do I nonetheless carry a Luxor room key from 1999 in my pockets? Clearly.

In equity, about that final one…
Come on. A lodge actually determined put Carrot Prime’s face on a room key? Critically?? I imply, an precise paid worker got here to work and mentioned, “Guys, this is the face folks wish to see as they enter their rooms.”
It simply by no means stopped making me smile.

Anyway, you get the concept.

I follow the stuff that works.

However even I noticed it was lastly time for a brand new sofa. Watching Netflix is more durable than it sounds. Particularly when, over the course of a film, it feels such as you’re sinking in quicksand. Not fairly positive the way to describe the form of that couch after so a few years. Is “blob” a form?

Attempt to think about the sofa that Picasso would’ve painted.      

So, reluctantly, I went buying.

Was it a completely enjoyable and stress-free course of? Yeah, possibly in Oppositeland. Actually, when did furnishings shops develop into such bizarre clones of one another? Is it a glitch within the simulation? This dizzying haze of all the identical folks promoting all the identical furnishings. So many unhealthy choices. On a constructive be aware, I now maintain the world report for number-of-times-a-man-has-muttered-to-himself-walking-out-of-stores.  

Ultimately, I pulled the set off. Purchased a less expensive model of Restoration {Hardware}’s “Cloud Sofa.”

An ideal title.

In-store, it really appears like sitting on a fluffy cloud.

After which it will get delivered. Which is after I shortly realized the distinction between sitting on a cloud for 2 minutes versus two hours. Lemme put it bluntly…

Much more uncomfortable than The Blob.

Someway, I’d discovered a model new degree of blobbiness. By no means had a decrease again situation in my life. However after 72 hours with The Cloud? Pressing want of a therapeutic massage and a fistful of Tylenol. By the tip of the week? Quickly approaching nightmare standing. Bending down was a brand new and attention-grabbing problem. And neglect about tying my sneakers. That may as properly have been an Olympic occasion. Man, it’s such a scary factor when your physique experiences a model new sensation of ache. Clearly, I’d made a horrible buy.

(Oh, and it was from a furnishings retailer with a no-return coverage)

The partitions have been closing in quick. After the primary week, I used to be a borderline Tylenol addict. Began mendacity in mattress through the day simply to keep away from the sofa as a lot as attainable. Bracing myself every time I gave it one other attempt. However the outcomes have been at all times the identical. And my solely reprieve was a weekend journey. The horrible lodge furnishings felt like a present to my physique. I sat peacefully in that Hyatt…using calm waves of leisure that I may not discover at house. Flipping by way of television channels with out a care on this planet.

(At one level, I did have to show off an episode of The Golden Women as a result of I used to be jealous of their flexibility)

Life was getting pathetic.

Two weeks into my darkish new Cloud World, I known as the shop. Begging for assist. They made it clear that refunds have been inconceivable. However possibly a technician may come by to examine the sofa. Simply to make sure nothing was damaged. Wait, there’s a such factor as a sofa technician? However, positive, yeah. Let’s do it. Possibly he can save the day…

The subsequent morning, this dude walks in like he’s The Wolf from Pulp Fiction. I provide him water or a espresso. He refuses something that may intrude together with his work. It’s not a social name. He’s simply right here to deal with sofa issues. Does an in depth inspection of The Cloud and tells me that it’s as much as requirements. Can’t assist however discover the desperation in my eyes. Or possibly the ache in my again. He seems me within the eyes and says:

“That is off the report. However you’re not the primary individual to have these points with this explicit merchandise. Sometimes, it’s a senior citizen. However there’s nothing I can do. I’ll fill out my report saying the sofa is ok. Possibly you may work one thing out with the shop. I actually doubt that, to be sincere with you. As soon as it’s in your house, they don’t take again furnishings.”

With that, he disappears.

A real grasp of the couch. Off to his subsequent overly dramatic inspection.

At this level, my mind begins to go haywire. My thoughts races. Is that this simply…life…now? As some dude who lives in concern of his sofa? A tragic schmuck who wants to purchase Velcro sneakers as a result of he can’t bend down?

There’s gotta be a greater means.

I drive to the shop. A unique man than I used to be 2 weeks in the past. Now a damaged soul with restricted choices and a Tylenol dependancy. Doing my finest imitation of The Wolf, I strut by way of these automated doorways. A person on a mission. Aaaand I’m rejected earlier than I even have the possibility to take a seat down. A supervisor tells me there’s nothing they will do as soon as it’s within the house. I’ll have to name the primary quantity and converse to customer support. However they by no means do refunds. In 20 years, he’s solely seen a handful of occasions they provided a substitute merchandise. It’ll be a significant longshot. So, to recap:

– The Wolf mentioned I’m screwed.
– This retailer supervisor agrees.   
– I’ll want a miracle to get a substitute accredited.
– However every little thing else within the retailer is hideous.
– Oh, and their one cool merchandise? It’s destroying my again like King Kong versus a blade of grass.

I stumble out of there. Limping my means again house. A defeated man returning to the sofa that desires to homicide him. Such a tragic flip of occasions in a life that when held such promise. With zero optimism, I dial the customer support quantity. Finest-case situation? A substitute sofa that solely my grandmother would love.

After a protracted maintain, I’m related to a consultant.   

I can barely acknowledge my very own anguish-filled voice.

A really jolly Hispanic gentleman asks me for some particulars. He listens for a couple of seconds. Then informs me of their no-return coverage. As if I can’t already recite it by coronary heart. Though I’ve been calling it “The Cloud,” he jogs my memory that their model is definitely known as, “The Dream.”

After which he says:

“It seems like The Dream is extra like The Nightmare for you.”

I pay attention in surprised silence as he laughs joyously for the following 15 seconds. His accent is tough to position. Feels like a goofy (and presumably drunk) Antonio Banderas. Okay, I didn’t anticipate a lot assist. However he’s…laughing…at me?

That is very complicated. Then he immediately will get useless critical. Tells me he couldn’t assist however snort due to how loopy the timing is. He is aware of precisely how I really feel. By no means had a again situation in his life however is presently coping with the equivalent factor from a brand new mattress. He asks me to please proceed my story. He listens with such real curiosity. It’s unreal. I can really really feel the care coming from this entire stranger. Nearly as if he’s giving me a hug by way of the cellphone line. I blabber about Tylenol and massages for what looks as if 52 hours.

Lastly…mercifully…he cuts me off.

Along with his thick Puss And Boots-like accent, he says:

“My good friend, it’s an honor to talk with you. And I wish to help. It’s our coverage to by no means settle for returns. However I gives you a full refund and can schedule a pickup within the subsequent week. I really feel so very glad to get the possibility to do that for you.”

My jaw hits the ground.

All of a sudden, the burden of the world is gone. Simply rolls proper off my again. And this goofy cartoon character of a person retains caring for me for the following 20 minutes. Saying issues like, “All issues have an answer” and “It offers me such pleasure to be of service to you.” He tells me, “It doesn’t matter what, I can’t allow you to down.”

Is that this actual life or a scene from Desperado?

By the point I dangle up the cellphone, my temper is in a very completely different place. All stress gone. Poof. This quirky stranger has fully modified my day. Past the refund itself, I don’t recall ever feeling a lot kindness on a customer support name.

Thanks, Alvaro.  

Sarcastically, talking to you left me on such a excessive…that it felt a bit like floating on a cloud.